He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?