What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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