WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.