At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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