girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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