Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
