He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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