So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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