I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
