life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
