he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
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Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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