Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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