I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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