This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
