You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
it's great music for shaving your balls
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
