I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
