I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
