I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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