Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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