My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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