i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
