Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
