Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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