shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
