I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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