Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
