Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
