I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think your dad took our porno
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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