a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
