White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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