today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
