I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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