Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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