this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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