Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
