i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
