my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
