i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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