Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
