life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
