I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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