I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
