My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't deserve a penis
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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