My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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