just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
