Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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