Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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