dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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