so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
