there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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