I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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