Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
