Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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