Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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