I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
