she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
