I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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