you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
