I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
