M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What happened to fro yo and sex?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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