theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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